Finding God's Peace in the Midst of Frustration

Just got struck by the reality big time! I was just working on some kind of a report that I need to submit when I decided to put or to use rather some law terms on it. Then just that! I was so stunned. I just realized that I should have been a CPA by now. Perhaps I am already. If only I'd studied well during my undergrad and my review days. If only I wasn’t afraid to bring myself to the PRC and got my name registered last Oct. 2014 CPA Board Exam. If only I’d focused well enough to gain some confidence. Probably by this point of time I am already taking up some law classes to fulfill my dream of becoming a lawyer of which my dad wants me to become. If only… Just if only.

The fact is, I didn’t do anything at all. I just had all these plans at the back of my mind but no actions at all. A lot of people truly believes in me. Family and friends who truly knew me. They truly believe that I will pass the board, that I will be a successful accountant and all. Just imagining these people behind me; gives me a chill. Their love and support is really over whelming. I don’t really even think that I deserve it. All I’ve been doing is to give them false hope. Disappoint them.

I am so disappointed with myself as well. Being so conceited, yet I proved nothing. Then now as I am writing to vent out, my playlist played “Reason I live” and the lyrics amazingly touched me. As the lyrics says:

 “I am yours, every part of me. Jesus, you’re the reason I live. Take my life oh use me as you will. Jesus you’re the reason I live.”

In an instance I found peace. Good Lord. Amazing you truly are. I know and I do believe that this pain and frustrations I am going through now is just a way for me to know more about Christ. Again for the nth time, God proved that He is the only thing I need in my life. He is the king of peace. Praise God for this pain and sadness in my heart. For this pain; my heart found You. 

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Former Love

I was about to sleep but then I decided to go back to my past blogs, then I read the blog I wrote for about three years ago-- "Waiting outside the lines". It just made me think of it all over again... the love I had.... and lost.

He was the man I thought would be my forever.. *sigh* yeah, I really thought that we would last. We was so good together way back then. We were a great couple, a lot of people were so jealous when we're together because they can see the love- as they say. He used to look at me and tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am in his eyes. He used to give me those random kisses and hugs. We have a lot of "used to do" things. Now, we're just another used to be.

Well, don't get me wrong.. I am writing this because I want to share with you guys my experience on how love really moves in mysterious way.

When I was writing my blog Waiting Outside The Lines, I know and I do believe that God really told me to wait, and I waited. But what I do not know is, I wasn't waiting for him anymore but I did wait for God's time for me to heal and to learn how to love again.

Sometimes I can still remember Wes tho, every moments we had. I just simply smile. I am and will be forever thankful that once in my life I had loved him. Things might not worked out between the two of us, still I am happy. Every thing happened for a reason and the thing that happened between Wes and I was a good reason why we should continue to love.

There are times when some of my friends still asked me of what really happened between the two of us. "We thought the two of you would last" the usual line of my friends. Well, the truth is... even me, I do not know what really happened to us but whatever the reason is, I am glad it happened.

Today, I am happy with my present boyfriend - Mac. He came into my life in the most unexpected time and way. On the other hand, Wesley already have his family on his own....

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Words...

It's been a while since the last time I've posted here.. Well I guess there are just a lot of things that happened in my life. Too many good... And bad things as well. But there is just one thing --- one thing that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time now. I know that this incident really changed me, 

Well... Just like before, I am not really sharing my story in detail.. But, it all started when someone so dear to me told me things that really hurts me. Words.. Just words. And yet, everything seems so vivid in my memory. I don't know, but to be honest... This time, it's different. It's not the usual forgive- forget thing. This time... It's just all about forgiving. I hate it when all I can do is forgive; yet deep inside me can't even forget. For so many times I tried to think that those words were just blah-blah "not meant to.." Just because of being mad at that moment. Sadly, those words.... They keep on playing inside my head. And it still hurts the same way just as it hurts me for the first time. 😞

I never really asked for too much. All I really want is respect.. I know I don't deserve any of this pain, for all I did is to give you love. 

I am writing this rant early this morning to be my reminder that I got hurt and I need to be stronger. I hope, few weeks from today I'll be better. No more tears when that conversation bump into my memory. Well, just like the old days. This pain would just be a history of mine, tomorrow. This would definitely make me stronger and better. 

To YOU, 

I know you'll never read this. And perhaps you'll never even know how I feel right now. I guess you're not even aware that you'd hurt me. Probably I wouldn't even tell you so. It just really makes me feel sad thinking that you're not even sorry with your words. Forgive me for just forgiving you and not being able to forget. I hope someday everything would be better. 😔

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Him out from my messy box.

December 28, 2012

I was cleaning the cabinet under my bed where I usually put my random stuff then suddenly I found an old wallet of mine. When I opened it, I saw a photo of him and I was just reminded of how we used to be. Well I didn’t cry though in fact, I smiled. I was really happy to see his face again even if it was just only an ID picture of him. Yeah I know pathetic. Blah blah I’m just missing him, perhaps.. 

Sorry for the very messy things up there. :p Well you know now why I do really need to fix things up under my bed :p

TO WES:
Haha! I don't know if you'll find out that I posted your face here on my blog but yeah you look good here with that straight face thing haha! *wink*

(c) To your ID pic :D

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Sleepless nights

So here I am. Writing and doing different crazy stuffs once again.  I think I do really need to take my medicine by now, what do you think my dear reader? I am really losing my mind. 

Well I do think that; perhaps each and everyone has at least a point where in their lives, they’ve been this crazy or crazier rather; who knows? Those times where in we really want to sleep but our activeness is keeping us awake and pushing us to do crazy things. 

To cut the story short, here are my pictures at this moment. My mind isn’t really functioning very well. Yeah you are right, it’s malfunctioning already. I do really need to have some rest. But oh no! We ordered some foods from McDonald’s so I can’t sleep yet. Yeah yeah I know, I am talking nonsense already. So I think it’ll be better to call it a night, yeah midnight indeed! Goodnight for now.

Spread love :p

Disregard everything. >;p

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Battlefield

Every day it feels like I am in a war. The battle between my heart and brain is quite somehow very confusing and depressing at the same time. It’s almost three months and I thought I’ll be pretty fine by this point of time, but I guess I was wrong. I was wrong to think and to believe that I am strong enough to overcome this pain.  

Every day is a tough one for me. Every day I am fighting the urge of texting you or doing something that will be very silly. I think I am winning with this kind of fight. At least now I know that somehow I can control myself not to contact you; but I’ll admit that yeah it’s hard. It’s very hard, indeed.

Yes! Perhaps I am really wrong. And I am very exhausted in this situation. I don’t think I can handle this for a longer period of time. I am afraid that I can’t really stand it anymore. I am weak, yes I am. And I am tired. I am really tired with all of these things that are happening in my life.

Even though I am in so much pain already, I know I need to be strong. I know that you will not be happy to see me like this. I know that you’ll be happy to know that I am doing well and that’s what I want to show you. I will be fine for you. I will be intact and still. For you I will win this fight.

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Instant Flashback

I was taking a bath that time when a sudden rush filled my senses while I was thinking of something else. Yeah in other words I was in the middle of day dreaming about random things when a flashback from the history visited me. A history of you and I. 

Do you still remember the first time we held hands? It was already late that time. We were waiting for a jeep that time because you are going to send me home. Then a lot of people came and rush into the jeep and that’s why we have to be fast and competent. And you held my hand so that I’ll not be carried by the people who were rushing to get into the jeep. We held hands for quite some time. Long enough for me to feel and to study your hand. 

Will it ever happen again? Or it will just remain in the history of our story? May it happen again or not, one thing will be sure; it will always remain in my memory and in my heart.

Wherever you are right now, I hope you are okay and doing just fine. I hope you are happy and you’re successfully fulfilling your desire in life. I hope and will always pray the best for you.

:)

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Waiting outside the lines.

-        I had just finish the video message that I made for him. I hope he can read this. Maybe someday. I don’t know. But I am happy that I’d finished this. ^^ Well I don’t want to say too much this time. *Sigh.

-YAM [yours always, mida]

Dear you,

I know it’s kinda hard for you. There are a lot of things and issues in our lives right now. You have your own issues and I do either. I know it’s hard.

These things might just really happen for a reason. We are still young, and might not even really ready to go on to a more serious world outside together.

You might just really need to stay inside your world for some time.

You need to fix and to make things right – alone all by yourself, without me.

You need to prove some things to yourself. And I know you can, all by yourself – YOU CAN!

Honestly speaking, everything is so magical. It just happened that I accidentally played this song out of nowhere. Yeah, I know.. You’re sister’s favorite – Greyson Chance.

So I smiled. A moment ago, I was like really crying and praying.

I don’t know if I should really stay here and wait, because honestly speaking I am very afraid that I may not waiting for you anymore. Perhaps, you are not really there anymore.

So I prayed, I prayed and prayed. God already answered me a week ago; and He said that I just need to “wait”.  

Yet I am not really sure if that’s the answer, I hesitated. So again, I prayed. Then now, I heard this song and hit me like a ball of fire.

Probably this is the right thing to do.

Just to stay outside the box. To stay outside of your life right now.

I need to let you go now, to let you grow all by yourself this time.

I need to be strong for this. I will keep my faith on us. In Him!

If it will be us till the end. It will be us. You will find your way home back to me.

Maybe it’s time for us to grow as an individual – ALONE.

Go on with your life, and I will do the same.

I know and will trust that God will be there, and He will tie us again – together again..

SOMEDAY. Maybe one of these days.

I will take my chances, and this is the chance that I will take.

I will wait. I’m just here waiting outside the lines.

I loved you; I love you, and will always do.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

In God’s time, I will see and be with you again. 

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As time goes by...

I really don’t know where to start. I don’t know if it’s okay to write about my personal feelings here. I mean I really don’t know. But for whatever reason, I would really like to write it here. Maybe someday I will read this thing again. Maybe by that time I am already healed.

I am still hurt. Yes I am. I am not afraid neither ashamed to admit that I am still in pain. I would really say that my heart isn’t broken though. Funny uh? I am in pain and I am writing all of these rants here then here I am claiming that I am not broken. Would you believe in me? But really, I am telling the truth. I can’t feel that  my heart was broken. Why? Because I know that my heart is still there, it still loves him. And I know that it will continue to love him.

Recently I’d watched two movies; and those two movies were all about a love that will take place in the future. I don’t know if it’s God’s answer to my prayers. But a part of me is wishing that it’s really one of God’s answers.  That in love, it is not always in a right time. Perhaps that’s true, we do really have a right love in a wrong time. It isn't the right time because we’re not ready yet.  Maybe we are still young, we still have a lot of things we need to do with our lives. We still need to grow as an individual. I hope it is. I hope that’s the answer. If it’s only about waiting, I can surely wait. I can.  I know I can. But I am not sure if I am still waiting for someone. I know I’m not. But why am I giving myself all of this false hope. I am a fool. I don’t know why I am still here. I don’t know why am I still madly in love with him. I don’t know what to do but I know God is still there for me. I know He has the answer for all of this. Someday, I will find it all out. I will understand why these things happened to us; to me. And honestly speaking, that’s one of the things that make me strong. I know I am not alone. God will always be with me. I know He will reveal everything to me. In the right time, everything will be just fine.

I know I am still in love with you. I am not mad for what had happened to us. I thank you for being honest with me. I thank you for everything. At least now, I know I can love. I can love unselfishly. And as time goes by I know I will be here. I will be here no matter what. I may not or will not do anything after that night I think I did what I had to do. And there is nothing else I have to do. Just to be still.  I hope you can make it on time. I hope you can find your way back home to me. I will be here --- waiting.

-ymxx

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Blogger. Here I come.

Oh hi! :D Sorry I’m just really in the mood for blogging some new stuff since I’d just finished my new blog space where I can write all my rants and blah~sh in my life. I think I am in love in this cute pink and black space here. Though it’s kinda hard for me to finish this since it’s been ages since the last time I designed and edited my blogger site. Well thanks though for the makers of the said design, I’d just added and changed few things about the design. I hope they don’t mind, well I left their credits below. :p I really think their design’s really good, but I just wanted to make it more personalized. Well yes, pink and black are the two colors that really describe me. I don’t know. Maybe because pink is such a sweet color and I think I have that sweet side even just a little :p and black, since I am very harsh. I mean seriously, I am not kind, I am not so loud, and I am not friendly enough to make new friends everywhere I go. I am just being me.

I think I will fill this space with my heart. I will write everything I want to express. This is so me. I really find myself, writing like forever. I just hope that I can keep my energy to write.

Anyway, I am just really happy and so excited to blog new things about me. Yes, ABOUT ME. So I guess, if you don’t like me, better scram. Right? Well yeah, I am a very transparent person. I don’t like fuss or what so ever you call it. I just want a peaceful and simple life so if you don’t have anything good to say or whatever, just please keep it to yourself. ^^

On the other hand, I just want to say thanks for those people who love me. You guys are so kind! :p I know I’ve been so rough lately but still you are bearing with me. I do appreciate you guys.

Well anyway I am not really in the mood now. I don’t know. I want to write about something else. So yeah, see you around.

-M.

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